“Man’s body cut to fit coffin.” Funny, in a gruesome sort of way. Straight out of Adams Family gruesome.
Can I say, "Big Love"?
But, no. Welcome to Allendale, NC — where it did, in fact, happen.
Not to beat…erm, a dead horse, the late Mr. James Hines, a preacher and funk musician, was not only a giant personality, he was a giant of a man – 6’7″, 300 lbs. So, when he went up to keep making his music in the sky, the undertaker was left in a bit of a tizzy. The coffins are mostly standard size, so, what is a funeral director to do when he gets called in for a really BIG job?
But the owner of Cave Funeral Home wasn’t one to let even these sorts of issues mow him down. Why, saw off the deceased’s feet between the knees and the ankles; stuff them into the coffin along with the business end of your customer; pay off the grieving widow, who tried to honor her husband’s memory by threatening to sue once the rumors of your genius start making the rounds of the small town, in return for her silence — and you’re scot-free.
At least, you should have been — if those you paid off had the common decency to follow through on your out-of-court agreement.
Which, after 5 years of keeping his peace, Ann Hines decided not to do. Once the prosecution, fed up with the gruesome accusations, chose to exhume Mr. Hines to take the pictures ascertaining the body’s state before reburying the remains, Ann gave her permission.
As it turns out, the rumors had been justified. And thus, were the criminal proceedings against the Cave Funeral Home initiated. Now, under the North Carolina law, desecrating human remains is punishable by 1 to 10 years in prison.
How much the accused will plead down to or if this thing will be dragged through the courts, let me just say that I am frankly appalled. But not at the proprietor, believe it or not. I suppose he really shouldn’t have done what he did, but that will be up to the jury to take a vote on — and whatever higher authority he believes in, Jesus, Osiris, Buddha.
What I am actually disgusted at is the sheer avariciousness of Mrs. Hines. First, she takes money for something that, if it is as painful to her as she espouses, should not have been salved by the judicious application of a however-many greenbacks. And then, she goes BACK on her word to allow the police to move forward with its investigation.
Where was she with her open wounds for the the last 5 years? Did they not bleed then? And why has the stigmata opened now?
Tell you what, if you want to see an example of social injustice, it is people like that going on air with their patently false tales of woe and getting sympathy from all and sundry!
I do sound bitter, I concur, but just as convicted felons are not allowed to profit from their crimes, so, do I think Ann Hines and her ilk should not be allowed any kind of public-opinion driven windfall.
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