The Annointed Fig

Friday’s premiere of Dollhouse’s pivotal episode “Man on the Street” has come and gone, and here I am, posting. But as far as I am concerned, no, I am not late to the game. I am early.

Having been ridiculously fortunate to have been invited to pick the prolific, rather bizarre brain of Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind the Buffy, Angel, Firefly, and Dollhouse franchises (not to mention a screenwriter responsible for much of the stellar dialog of the blockbuster flick Speed), I decided to focus on what the man’s plans are, rather than the awesomeness currently airing on FOX at 9 PM every Friday night.

But I am a worrywart.  When rumors materialize, I like to go to the source, don’t you? And after all, it is often enough I have been accused of being a spoiler whore. I shouldn’t tempt anyone else into sin, should I?

Oh, okay, I will. What’s being a diehard fan if it doesn’t include sifting through crumpets? So, yep, there are a few choice Dollhouse tidbits — and a glimpse into what some sources claim has been increasingly on Mr. Whedon’s mind.

Your show is catching on, just as those of us spending hours on end speculating about the next episode of your other televised brainchildren predicted. And yet, I understand you’re still intending to leave TV for online media exclusively. Considering how beloved you are among those of us married to our boob tubes, isn’t it just a tad drastic?

I never actually said that. Definitely, the new media is very attractive to me. It’s an open field. There’s a lot of freedom and I’m very afraid that that freedom will be taken away before the artistic community has a foothold in it. So for reasons both artistic and political, I wish very much to pursue new media.

But that doesn’t mean that I’m never going to do television. Everybody knows I had a rough time getting Dollhouse up to speed, but that doesn’t mean I’m never going to do television again. I love television, and I love it in a different way than I love the Internet, in a different way that I love movies. [With this] kind of storytelling, the scope, and the breadth, and the depth that you can get from a TV show is unlike anything else and I love it.

I have to admit I’m shooting a movie right now, producing, it, actually, a movie that really went from script to pre-production in a matter of weeks. I did Dr. Horrible in a matter of days. And the way the television process is a grind for me that I’m not as used to [it] as I was, but that doesn’t mean that I’m turning my back on it as a medium. I adore it. And the people I’ve dealt with have been honorable and honest. It’s just getting a TV show off the ground is rough waters, no matter what. And sometimes you feel up for a swim and sometimes you don’t.

So, how about Zillion TV, Netflix top-boxes, Hulu? Aren’t all those crossover TV and Internet broadcasting solution going to be able to provide you with that kind of long, deep scope of the project and yet, afford more freedom in the artistic sense that seems to me you consider lacking in traditional television series model?

The problem is that we have two completely opposing models, regular television, which is made for a lot of money, has a lot of crews, employs a lot of people. You can make a good deal of money in that business, so can the networks and whatnot. And then there’s the Internet, which is not that at all. It’s basically, although with Dr. Horrible we made money, we didn’t make the kind of money that would make a studio stand up and prick its little ears up. Nor were we paying people the kind of dollars where they can just do that for a living.

With things like Hulu, all that means is that shows are going to be shown on the Internet probably instead of reaping reruns on television, which means no residuals for the artists, which means that there’s almost no money model on the Internet and a lot of money, but also a lot of waste model on TV. We’re trying to bring them together, but nobody knows how they’re going to mix, how they’re going to meld, where they’re going to meet.

At some point it would be great if they met, if we could have fast, well made, but not slow moving productions on the Internet that employed enough people to keep the community in a good place, but at the same time, cut some of the fat out, so that everybody was able to do more work and still feel secure in their making a living. But right now that model doesn’t exist, and none of us have figured out, believe me, we’ve been talking about it, how to mix the two.

---

There you have it, straight from the horse’s mouth, the answers to the questions that were on my mind the most. Sure, we have Dollhouse, and it rocks, but what are we to look forward in the future? Apparently – yes, I am being a hopeful bunny – to both. If life gives you lemonade, be nice enough to thank it.

And now, for a few Dollhouse treats. Didn’t think I had forgotten those, did you?

Amy Acker’s character, for example, is getting quite an arc toward the later episodes of the season. Sounds good to me. A pool of misery her character may be, but she’s fascinating – and Ms. Acker is a terrific actress.

We know there are dollhouses scattered all over the world. Unfortunately, for now, Mr. Whedon says, with the economy taking a toll on the budget, and the issue of the pilot having been scrapped in favor of a revised version, there won’t be a foreign dollhouse featured just yet. But once there will (once the show is franchised – if worse comes to worst), it won’t be in the vein of an Italian Wolfram and Hart, “where we just use the same set and fill it with Italians. No, it’s one of my favorite things we ever did, but that’s because Angel was a lot sillier.” When the set for another dollhouse is built, we can expect it to be different – though just as realistic as Echo and Sierra’s home.

Finally, for those of us Buffy aficionados, Felicia Day has an episode. Alas, that’s it – for now – for the Buffy alums. “Most of them [said Joss] are, I’m happy to say, working, and I do like to see the gang, but we have to establish the reality of this world before we can bring in somebody without it being too jarring. Although we have one episode with a guy who looks a lot like Nick Brendan and his character’s name is Nicholas and that was a terrible idea. We should have never named him Nicholas because every time I see his footage, I go, ‘Hey, wait a minute.’ Oh, I’m confused.”

Joss Whedon, confused? There must be quite a resemblance.

Intrigued? Well, for myself, let me just say, when asked about my Friday night plans, I have those in the bag – until, at least, the 13th episode of season one.

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I am not originally from the US. I was 13 when I came here.

I went to high school on the third day since having arrived. It was a Tuesday, September 7th, as I remember.

I didn’t speak a word of English other than “hi”, and knew the Latin alphabet only as far as it pertained to German. I wore a braid, thick glasses (especially, left lens — from having gotten a sizable chunk of glue in my eye when I was 6), and had been ridiculously traumatized from nearly having had my beloved pet lost by Delta Airlines.

We got to Louisville from New York by way of Cincinnati, and it was there when we were changing planes that Delta in its infinite wisdom forgot the specialized cage it made us, immigrants with practically zilch to our names, buy in NYC to transport our beast, a petite Siamese cat who (also, per airline specs) hasn’t been fed for 3 days to prevent erm…accidents.

If only Delta was quite so conscientious with its live cargo once it was all properly packaged!

Do I sound bitter? If I do, I have reason to be – though just as much of one is for me to feel grateful. Or, at least, touched.

Because, you see, we flew in on the red eye. There would not have been another flight from Cinnci until around 11 AM the next day.

So, guess what Delta did? Of course, that was LOOOOONG before their current crisis.

Yep, they actually sent a separate flight just for my kitty, picked her up – and gave her to me 90 or so minutes after grudgingly admitting they made a boo-boo. Talk about customer service!

I am happy to report for the animal lovers among us, Masha is with me and adding a very assertive meow to the thought of pets having to travel cargo.

Very much one of my soapbox topics this may be, but it really isn’t the subject of this particular post. Mainly, it’s here to establish the mental state of the subject, as they say in legalese.

Which, lemme tell you, was about -15 on the scale of 1 to 10.

Add to that not having gone to the bathroom for 6 hours straight on that first day for the simple reason I didn’t know where I was to *go* (neither the schedule of classes nor my Vietnamese and/or English speaking full-time guide from the English Second Language program didn’t think to incorporate this little activity into the roster), and well, sufficing to say, I wasn’t a happy puppy.

Sixth period for that puppy happened to be, in fact, ESL – and that’s…no, it actually hasn’t been the time I finally got to answer the call of nature.

But it had been very much the time when I fell in love – my first. In the US, anyhow.

Because in my ESL class was, among the kids from the former USSR, a young man, 4 years my senior. He was placed as a junior and he spoke English (however, one may speak a language one didn’t care to really study in their homeland and only had a chance to polish up among the native speakers in the last…wait for it, two weeks).

Still, he spoke it, and he was tall, and he wore the name of my favorite character from my favorite Dickens’ book, and he had the most marvelous stock of Russian profanities – they are the best in the world, I’ll have you know. Linguists agree. AND he was the one who actually not only thought to inquire after the bathroom thing – but along with another boy, took it upon himself to walk me to the bathroom.

So, imagine if you will, bladder bursting, tears threatening, heart pitter-pattering somewhere in the region of your toes – and being marched to the loo under a convoy of not one, but two handsome older guys, one of whom, you immediately decide, is going to be the father of your future children.

Oh, and did you imagine you are a shy, perfectly traumatized bookworm?

You did?

What did the imaginary you do? Taken advantage of the young men’s generosity? Politely thanked them and told them she just went? Or did she hightail it out of there and got lost and had had to have someone bring her in, loitering like a lost goat near the double doors of the cafeteria being scrubbed clean after that day’s lunch?

If you voted the unequivocal three – welcome to the club, hmm? But to paraphrase the undying words of Mark Twain, “Do I want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member?”

P.S. Fast-forward 17 years.

I am married to a guy with the name of my favorite character from my favorite Dickens’ book. We have a spectacular 14-month old.

He just isn’t the same guy.

P.P.S. Oh, and I managed to make it that time, bathroom-wise. As I usually do.

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I wrote about The Great Pit Ball before — when it was just a glimmer in its host’s eye. A very defined kind of glimmer, true, but when we talked, everything for the grand event was only just coming together.

Today, I spoke to Mr. Bond again, with The Great Pit Ball — a star studded charity event held on March 14, 2009 in Las Vegas, NV to raise money for Villa Lobos Rescue Center, the world’s largest pit bull rescue — already behind him and a resounding success.

Over 1,000 attendees from all over the globe were seen at the event, including:

• Michael Berryman (The Devil’s Rejects, The Hills Have Eyes, Weird Science, One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest)
• Pixie Acia (LA Ink, Miami Ink, and Fear Factor game show winner)
• Tera Patrick, the number one porn star in the world, winner of the coveted “Best New Starlet” award, and star of over 100 adult films.
• Evan Seinfeld, well known lead vocalist of the multi-platinum album Biohazard; an adult film actor, director, photographer, writer, entrepreneur, and star of the HBO series Oz.
• James Madio (Hook, Basketball Diaries, Lost Boys, Band of Brothers)
• Alex Karalexis from the UFC reality series and three-time UFC veteran.
• “Razor” Rob McCullough, five-time world Muay Thai champion and former World Extreme Cage Fighting Weight Champion.
• Mario Barth, world renowned and celebrity tattoo artist, owner and chief tattoo artist at Starlight Tattoo.
• John Huntington, formally from the show INKED Hart & Huntington now known as Huntington Ink at the Palms Casino; also known as the country’s premiere nightclub promoter.
• Boo-yaa Tribe, a hip-hop group from California.
• Ice-T, rapper and actor, and many more!

Thousands of pictures are being uploaded directly to Brandon’s studio website.

I caught up with Brandon Bond just hours before his departure to L.A, to survey the spoils of victory at Villa Lobos, and to bask in the success of Vicktory to the Underdog: From Hell and Back, his latest DVD release, which premiered at the Pit Ball event.

Let’s jump right in.

Tell me, just what made you take up this elephantine project?  And how much of a financial impact did the event make for Villa Lobos Rescue Center?

Tia Torres came to me late last year [2008] and explained the financial situation. She asked me to help, so we did — as hard and intensely as we could. The first thing we did was hold an online auction on my websites and we raised about $20,000 for her within a month or so. We also started an online donation collection, which is still active, and we have already exceeded $5,000 that way. This all was wonderful, but her operating expenses exceeds these amounts, and dramatic action had to be taken.

I have effectively run all four of my companies into the ground finishing this film and working to create this huge Vegas fundraiser, all the way across the country dealing with casinos and flights and venues I had never even been inside of. It was an insane four months, but we did it. And according to Tia, we saved her operation, so we DID IT! Without all of this dramatic action, bankruptcy was imminent.

The fight is not over, but we are closer. Once her new TV show airs I believe that the donations will ROLL IN! Television can reach a much wider demographic than anything my companies can provide, so we are anxiously awaiting the show’s debut. It’s an incredible show, I’ve already seen a couple episodes, and I am, in fact, on my way to LA right now to film another episode with them.

Without our help, she would have been forced off her property and all the dogs would have again become homeless and hopeless. The first thing to dry up in dire economic circumstances is donations, and she is 100% dependent on donations to survive.  She still needs help, but what we did kept them going! So, the answer is, the financial impact was monumental.

The event was about more than just raising money – it was about awareness. Do you feel you have managed to reach the hearts and minds of people – not just the attendees (that’s just preaching to the choir!), but people to whom pit bulls are dangerous animals that we need to be protected from by legislature?

I believe that the film itself does that, yes. Anyone who watches it is affected, no matter who they are, how they feel about anything. The dogs in the film are simply a metaphor for so much more, and many widespread topics are explored – man vs nature, man vs man, prejudice, assumptions, media, and the ability for anyone to do some good in this world.

There is something for everyone in this film. It is 100% uncensored, and untainted by corporate influence. As far as we’re concerned, it’s the pure definition of “independent film.” This is nothing like what you would see on Animal Planet, it’s extremely in your face, and it’s a roller coaster.

Just to plug ourselves, I own 100% of the rights to all footage and we are currently seeking the best distribution deal. The money, of course, will go directly to Tia [of the Villa Lobos Rescue Center], less our hard costs. So, help us sell it!

The art auction featured some very striking pieces – can you tell me a little about the artists featured? How well did the pieces sell? Which was your favorite piece at the auction?

My favorite piece was a painting by Robert Pho, a well-known tattoo artist from Las Vegas. Unfortunately, while I was filming with Animal Planet someone outbid me on that piece, and I did not get to bring it home to my gallery. It was a bummer. I’m still upset about it.

Other artists included: Cam De Leon (famous for creating artwork for the band Tool), Damon Conklin, Durb Morrison, Dave Tedder, John Lloyd, Jace Masula, Short Parker, Ryan Downie, Matt Dunlap, myself, and many more. As you saw, the art show was an incredible and eclectic collection of paintings, photographs, sculpture, mixed media, and collage. The art was auctioned off by Heckles and Twitch. All proceeds from the art auction were also donated to Villa Lobos, and helped us cover the monumental costs of throwing this huge event.

Being an artist myself, and owning a gallery, it only made sense for me to use my connections in the art world to get a bunch of awesome pieces sent out for the event. Seeing as “art” is actually what funded the entire film project, it just made sense. My entire award-winning staff at All Or Nothing Tattoo also donated pieces to the show.  It was a family effort for sure. I did purchase the Dave Tedder painting of a pit bull – it is amazing! His artwork can be viewed at All Or Nothing Tattoo‘s website.

What about the bands? The Great Pit Ball featured acts like Sick of it All, Madball, The Spyderz, and ToeTag – favorites of yours? Were there any other bands you wish could have attended in addition?

Yes, I personally contacted each band, and personally bought their flights and rooms and all that. I called in a lot of favors to pull this off, but the bands were awesome about helping. Evan Seinfeld is the pure definition of a rockstar/pornstar, but is extremely cool about charity stuff.  I have been a longtime fan of his music, however, I, also, consider him a friend.

Sick of it All has been one of my favorite bands since I was in middle school! As was Madball, and I have been very close friends with John Wiley (CEO of Eulogy Recordings and guitar player for ToeTag and Until The End).  He has helped us out on many projects to date.

Our first film, See You In Hell, exclusively features Eulogy music, and my instructional tattoo seminar DVD series, The Whole Enchilada Vol 1 and Vol 2, both feature all Eulogy music. He and I have worked on many projects together, and the original motion picture soundtrack to Vicktory to the Underdog is predominately Eulogy donated music.

As to adding any other bands, the show didn’t even start until midnight west coast time. The poor guys had to play until like 6 am east coast time. There is no way I would have added any more bands! These bands are my favorites and my friends, both old and new, and I couldn’t have been more pleased with the way they played their damn hearts out.

Sick of it All, for example, played one of the best shows I have ever seen them play – it was unbelievable! And the Spyderz unleashed some NEW songs at the event, which was awesome for everyone. The fact that Sick of It All dedicated the performance to the film they had just watched, Vicktory was also amazing. It was very touching.

You told me the Pit Ball would take a great deal of preparation. Have your expectations been realized, or was it even more difficult? Or, perhaps you swam right through?  Did you encounter any surprises? Can you consider this the biggest party you’ve ever thrown?

To be perfectly honest, it was a long, terrible road. I was not able to sit back and enjoy my own premiere! I was constantly having to walk out of the theater to talk on my cell phone and prepare everything for the concert! My assistant and I (Nicole Webster, who is also in the film) have never worked so many grueling hours seven days a week. It was unbearable. We were pulling 20 hour shifts because of the different time zones, and the chaos, and the bands, and the flights. And she is eight months pregnant! Poor girl.

Companion discs?  What do you mean?  There is more than one DVD?
This two disc set is an entirely different version of Vicktory to the Underdog in addition to HOURS of deleted scenes and extended interviews. It is very “homemade” — yet high quality. In some ways, I much prefer this version of the film, even though a few key scenes are included in both, just from an entirely different perspective.

I directed both projects, however the companion discs were created by a producer here in Atlanta who was much easier to work with, so it has an extremely warm and comfortable vibe. It was way more fun making the companion discs.

Did the local laws and/or logistics allow for pit bull adoption during the show, via Villa Lobos? Has the event prompted many new adoptions in general? Are you yourself planning to add to your six anytime soon?

I am maxed out on dogs, taking in any more than the six I have would not be fair to those six or to my wife. She has to take care of all of them! And yes, the film has inspired a lot of adoptions already. We have been getting flooded with mail about how people are opening their eyes, and looking to adopt in their local area. Villa Lobos will inevitably see a LOT of adoptions once the show airs and the movie sees more distribution as well.

You mentioned Animal Planet expressing interest in your cause – I take it they on hand to film the event? Can viewers around the country expect to see the Great Pit Ball aired on their TVs?

Yes, actually Animal Planet was in Vegas filming for several days, and, yes, it will the be in the new season of Tia’s show for sure. This June is the latest projected air time. The fact that they were there barking orders at all of us made the event 10 times more stressful for me and a few of the people involved, but it is for a great cause, and will inevitably create the best record of the event.

Animal Planet also had private interviews with some of the celebrities and bands in the BCS [Brenden Celebrity Suites] above the movie theater. It was incredible! I was involved in a lot of that, also.  Did I tell you I am going to LA to take part in Tia’s show?

The premise is that the parolees are helping the pit bulls, and the pit bulls are helping the parolees, it’s amazing. I’m really proud to be taking part in it!  Lots of tattooed folks, dogs, and chaos for sure.  A news story about Villa Lobos kind of gives a window into whats going on out there, and you might want to check out the homemade pilot we used to get Tia the show.

You are a world-renowned tattoo artist – and many of the visitors at the Pit Ball were inked. It is clearly an artistic medium in its own right, but can you tell me, are they all customers of yours?

I would say 90% of all patrons were heavily tattooed, yes. It is my demographic for sure. I have the ability to reach these people in a way “Disney style, animal planet fluff” cannot. These are the people who actually own pit bulls, these are the people over-breeding them into oblivion, and these are the people who are joining together to speak for those without a voice. It is amazing.

There was an incredible collection of tattoos everywhere! It was awesome, like a tattoo convention, without the tattooing.

In our last interview you mentioned you were still waiting for a response from Michael Vick’s attorneys, which they promised to give you after viewing the DVD. Did they “bite”?

I have not gotten a response yet, no, and honestly don’t expect one. They are so focused on him going back to play football that unless this facilitates that, they probably will not want to respond. However, in the film we suggest that second chances are vital, and that even Vick deserves the voice to represent how cruelty to animals is sick and depraved. So, we may get something from his people.

Whether he actually means it or if his PR people are just telling him what to say is completely irrelevant to me, the message needs to get to the young kids that idolize him. I don’t care if he means it or not, I just want him to scream it from the rooftops regardless. People are listening. in fact I will gladly meet with him and hook him up with a tattoo! We have a lot to talk about! Like the fact that I have one if his dogs sitting here licking my foot right now.

And finally, you mentioned earlier that L.A. is your next stop. What are your plans there, as far as promoting Vicktory to the Underdog and general pit bull awareness? What’s next for you, as well?  Personally, I mean, not just for the cause?

I am taking the trip out to Villa Lobos, to figure out all the money from the Pit Ball, and to visit Tia, and to film for another episode of her show. I am, also, going to see Evan Seinfeld’s band Biohazard in their 20-year reunion tour and do a lot of drinking. I am very excited to go on this adventure. However, I am exhausted absolutely, so, I am slightly apprehensive. I need about a month’s worth of sleep.

After that, I am returning to tattooing! And I am very excited, I book appointments about a year in advance normally, however, with all this charity chaos and movie crap we have not even booked a single ’09 appointment! So Nicole is now compiling a massive list of eager clients flying in to get tattooed throughout the summer and fall, and we will be giving out dates starting as soon as April!

I beat my face against the corporate wall long enough with all this charity and movie crap, and I’m super excited to just go back to what made all of this possible. My artwork. I am making a “no talking about dogs or movies” rule in my new studio that is being built for me now. I may even hang a sign. Unfortunately, now everyone and their brother seems to want me to do portraits of pit bulls all over them!

I’m joking, kinda, I don’t mind tattooing images of dogs, actually. I’m just tired of people talking to me about it! But I am thrilled to go back to my normal life and turn off my phone. This is me disappearing into what I know best and going out of the charity game fully knowing that we kicked a lot of ass.

So, stop sending us mail about dogs! The whole purpose was to incite OTHERS to do their part.  Roll your sleeves up and get involved. We did our part! I’m going back to work and actually going to try and get my wife pregnant, which sounds like fun in a lot of ways!

---

Well there you have it.

Brandon Bond and his crew of heavily-tattooed humanitarian friends — both human and canine (the dogs being the less tattooed of the bunch) — being truly underdogs in this situation, came out on top. Villa Lobos was saved from certain bankruptcy, pit bull adoptions are up, Brandon’s latest DVD, Vicktory to the Underdog, is spreading the message of second chances for both pit bulls and humans, and most importantly, people are becoming more aware of how we interact with the animals we breed, and with each other.

What could be more awesome than that? I, for one, will do my best to ensure that Brandon’s message continues to be spread.

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As you might — or, likely, might not (Salmon Rushdie, I’m not) — know that I am a woman.  A heterosexual one, at that.  So, in the most basic sense, hot chicks hold no fascination.  But as for AskTheHotChick.com, an interactive, video-centric startup merging entertainment and information to help guys improve in everything pick-up, dating, relationships, sex-related? As a direct beneficiary of a new and improved male gender as a whole, why, that’s a whole different story!  Though as men in my life would say, is there really room for improvement?

Well, if you ask HotChick co-founders Jason Burinescu and Amit Krispin, two self-styled “regular guys in their 20′s and 30′s”, frustrated with not knowing how to handle every situation”, yes, there is.  Honey, Dad, taking notes?  I was.

How did this whole thing start? You don’t look like someone who’d need a lot of help picking up “hot chicks”.  Why would this concept even occur to you?

Hmm, thanks.  But we hardly know everything, and we really wanted to improve that area of our lives.  We talked to our friends, and turns out, everyone was sick of getting bad advice.  There’s a guy who might do well picking up girls, and another who does well in relationships.  Unfortunately, it’s very rarely you get someone who can bridge that gap between the two.

And, oftentimes, when we asked the women that we liked, they were not really getting everything they needed, which, obviously didn’t work out too well for us or any of our friends.  So, we wanted to find ourselves some girls would give us a real no-nonsense pragmatic advice that would generate results – and in turn, give the women results they were looking for.

Isn’t it a little shortsighted, having a random woman give input on how to get and keep any number of other girls?  What I am saying is, aren’t we, chicks, sufficiently different from one another that any off-the-cuff advice would really just be a shot in the dark?

Well, for one thing, we cast a very wide net.  We interviewed over 1,000 girls.  We were looking to cover different socioeconomic backgrounds, cultures, interests, ages, so, there would be something for everybody on the site, some sort of common ground.  Ideally, when you go onto the site, you’d find a girl who’d reflect the values, the personality type of the girl you’re currently pursuing or dating.  And then, you’d just follow this girl’s advice.

It’s exactly like you said, everybody is different.  But especially in longterm relationships, there are problems occurring over and over again: a lack of communication, inability to read signals or flirt, not knowing how to focus your entire attention on a girl, to whom you’re currently talking, bedroom questions.

You certainly practice what you preach.  I know your ladies range from students to professionals to Maxim models to dancers.  How did you get these girls?  Did you approach them?  Or have they come seeking you out?

We placed the ads in a few different publications.  And we scouted the country.  We were really proactive getting these girls.  But amazingly, how many of them actually wanted to get involved.

The requirements were pretty stringent.  We wanted girls who were pretty personable, charismatic, intelligent.  And, also, possessing of a lot, a lot of information, experience on how to approach dating, relationships, and so on.

The interviews are very, very candid, and a lot of times, people don’t want to air their dirty laundry.  But that’s what we were looking for — to give you a real hard truth.  Our girls will give you what you need to know, whether you like it or not.

Well, that’s obviously commendable.  But let’s talk numbers.  How fast are you growing?

We only went live a few days ago, and already, we have over 600 members.  Additionally, we have around a 1,000 subscribers on YouTube.

Which, I am sure, can only increase if you feature any celebrity ladies?  Or are you concentrating on more approachable everyday “hot chicks”?

We are in talks with some people, we’re very interested in that, but at this point no one is 100% confirmed, so we are not going to mention anyone by name.

[They don't kiss and tell, do they?  OK.  That nicely brought me to another question.]

Is there any stigma involved — in the overall look of the site?  Certain ladies, some would say, are rather scantily dressed.  I suppose it is to emphasize their hot-chick status, but has anyone commented on the setup being sleazy, uncomfortable to participate in?  Or is the opposite true?

None of the women had ever had a problem with that.  Or the users.  In fact, if there’s a little bit of stigma attached, it’s with the self-help and personal development aspect of it.  But because these are very attractive women, not someone setting you up with a doctor’s bill, and there always being folks out there needing help, we wanted to reach a very broad spectrum.  These women are first, appealing, and they are honest, and so, it will just hit people, OK, this information is amazing, it’s exactly what I am looking for.  It will help me improve my life.

Which all of us can use.  So, do you see yourself ever expanding into hot guys, other orientations, languages?

Absolutely.  We’re looking at this as just a beginning.  We’re going to be utilizing all the interactivity of the web, the attention of the media, that sort of thing, to really build this into an entity with global socioeconomic, religious, sexual orientation reach.  Actually [adds the less voluble partner of the two], we are currently in talks with producers from four different countries, so, absolutely, we are branching out!

All of it relationship-oriented?  Which is all well and good, but do you see the self-help being related to other spheres of interest?  How about friendships, getting a job — which is especially pertinent in this economic climate?

Well, what’s interesting is that a lot of what we’re teaching crosses over.  Self-confidence, personal development, you always need that.  How you carry yourself, how you present yourself, it’s going to translate in how easily you can get a job, how you interact with people.

But we, also, have experts on that, on each specific area, which we’re looking to build on.

[Very, very ambitious.  Immediately, I could see a problem with that.  If they become as popular as they intend to be, they would be inundated with requests.]

OK, guys, so, how do you choose which questions get answered?  Or are you going to try and answer all of them?

Of the ones getting written-in?  Well, it’s unrealistic for our women to answer all of them.  We’re thankful that we’re getting such a strong response, but they would have to work night and day, even now.  What we’re doing is having the women answer those most broadly appealing, and then, down the line, we’ll roll out a premium service where you’re guaranteed to receive a response — for a fee.

And [added the more reticent partner] we would still choose the best questions to be answered anonymously on video, in front of the entire audience.

Well, that nicely took the wind out of my sails regarding the webcast question.  OK, do girls have input on what they want to answer?  Or do you assign questions to them?

Our thinking is our subscribers will address their questions to a specific girl.  They would check the introductory videos and choose whom it is they would rather answer their question.

On top of that, like we mentioned in passing, we have a couple of girls we’re calling our “hot chick experts”.  Now, they basically excel in certain categories: dating questions, issues in the bedroom, breaking down the approach on how to pick up girls.  Or she may be really good at issues like self-esteem and self-confidence.

All right.  Last one, guys?  How do you keep the write-ins from turning into constant attempts at picking up chicks?  I am sure it can be uncomfortable for your ladies?  I am no hot chick, but I know it would be for me.

Fair enough.  We do get an occasional inappropriate question.  But, again, we pre-screen them, we know these girls are able to handle this.  And they know our first priority is to keep them safe and secure, so, none of their personal information, or where they live or anything like that is ever revealed.

____

At which point I went back to the drawing board — that is, trying to elucidate my men, they are not as infallible as they imagine.  If Jason and Amit are banking their financial futures on this very premise, which man — or woman, for that matter — is?

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I’ve never had an online avatar.  I am just not much of a Second Life person.  Best I can do is try not to mess up my First, but if I ever did go looking for another incarnation, chances are, I would be a book.  Collectively, they are had one of the most profound effects on this First one.

Now, by “book”, I do mean the wealth of information on roughly the same topic or a collection of short works by the same author or united under a single theme.  But I, also, refer to the purely physical form, the familiar weight, the scent of paper, the minute smudges of ink, like imperfections in the human face, transforming something merely beautiful into truly divine.  Sure, the E-ink is coming close, really close, and yes, in it and its offshoots, does doubtless lie a future of the publishing business, but for those on a budget — yet wanting to retain the familiarity of devouring material books, allow me to introduce you to BookSwim.

The idea for what is essentially the Netflix of books (run along the similar operating model), its VP of Marketing, Eric Ginsberg, confided was born when its two forefathers, George Burke and Shamoon Siddiqui, were getting their caffeine and free reading material fix at their local behemoth bookstore cafe in New Jersey.  If they were freeloading, the duo asked themselves, along with quite a few regular patrons, then why not make it easier for anyone to just take a book, read it — and put it back, minus self-justifying the questionable morality of skimming an establishment that feeds you?

Easily said — and very promptly done.  Their first rental, The Richest Man in Babylon, was shipped to a subsciber exactly a year hence, 8 months after the business officially came to be, began out the vast contents of their families’ and acquiantances’ bookshelves donated to a good cause.

Eric himself, a math teacher and an avid music fan who combined the two running his own music education non-profit, joined the merry band around the same time, bringing along his experience as PR representative for the largest independent library system in the state.  Now “the voice of BookSwim”, Eric was more than eager to talk up his company’s stellar milestones and its ambitious plans for the future.

“How do you get your customers the books?”, I had to ask. “Isn’t it prohibitively expensive shipping them first class, considering book weight compared to Netflix’s stock-in-trade DVDs?”

“Thus far, we are using USPS Media Mail.  Quite a bit more affordable and fairly fast, too.  But, obviously, we’re, also, exploring other options.”

Of course, the books don’t have that far to go.  BookSwim’s main warehouse may be in New Jersey, but it isn’t the only one, and thus far, BookSwim mainly delivers within the US.  However, as with anything, there are exceptions.

“We have a client all the way out in Paraguay.  Believe it or not, we managed to get our books to him — through the US Ambassador’s office.”

That WOULD build client loyalty, wouldn’t it?

Which, Eric happily admitted, it does — but though hardly shy when boasting of surpassing their 1st-year membership goal in under 6 months and the sustained growth still beating their own expectations, he remained stubbornly mum on what exactly said membership is.  Netflix released their numbers after 3 years (even to this day, refusing to cough up their 1st-year data), and following in its benighted footsteps, BookSwim is keeping those close to their vest.

Anything else, however, was fair game.  Touching upon Amazon’s Kindle, for example, and whether it and similar devices will soon supplant the material books, Eric said, “It’s great technology, sure, still in its early days, but for some, books need to be held to enjoy.  Tangibles are going to retain a part of the market.  How big?  Couldn’t say, my crystal ball’s in the shop.  But they will.”

And then, he just went and laid out the cost of building a Kindle library compared to becoming a BookSwim customer.

“The Kindle currently costs $360 or so.  Heck of an investment to try to save money in the long run, especially in this economy.  Renting books (bestsellers, classics, textbooks) can start at $9.95 (for 3 or more books a month) and we let our members cancel anytime.  You can’t get out of owning a Kindle.  So, if regular book prices are around $25, added the initial Kindle price would mean youd’t have to buy 24 e-books at $10 a pop just to cover the initial cost.  Only then, will saving kick in.”

Hell of a salesman, is Eric.  Not to say I was immediately convinced, but added that one can outright purchase the book he or she particularly liked through the BookSwim website (or keep it for the length of the membership though at the expense of reducing their drawable pool), his pitch did leave me with the food for thought.

His pitch — and the fact that the company emphatically doesn’t intend to rest on its laurels.  For instance, Eric said, on top of soon unrolling a new, even more streamlined site, BookSwim is currently in talks to acquire stock directly from publishers rather than major distributors as it had had to do until now.  It would “create buzz for new authors“, he said, adding that it would benefit publishers in the long run to rent out the same book 20 times for, say, a dollar a rental, than hold out hoping it will have been bought outright for approximately the same amount.  I guess this incontrovertible logic is what you get if you retain a Math major for your PR person.

In another piece of tomorrow’s news, BookSwim is, indeed, intending to branch out into sending books through the Internet, but still an underdog, it is perfectly happy letting Goliaths the likes of Sony and Amazon develop and perfect the technology needed.

Our interview coming to a close, Eric left me with this,  “We’re 2nd most convinient way [to enjoy books] after Kindle, and 2nd cheapest after library.” Considering the success of BookSwim, I guess coming in 2nd does pay — in some select cases.

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Condoms.  How many of us use them?  How many have at one time?  How many abhor the rubbery smell?  The icky medicinal sensation of having to stop…whatever it is and get ourselves all “gloved” and proper?

Admittedly, I speak for myself.  Done skillfully, just as easily is it a turn-on.  What can I say?  Some are lucky.

The point is, I have a right to choose.  And I have a more or less surefire way of protecting myself against pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, the, putting it bluntly, consequences of having to deal with being a sexually active, self-sustaining adult.  Escapism?  So, what!  Television, Internet, laden supermarkets.  Is that any less of an existence in an artificial bubble of what these days enjoying an advanced Kardashev Scale Type I civilization means?  Better be, if I am facing a nuclear holocaust, jobs easier than ever lost to cheap overseas labor, such devastating, yet formerly localized, plagues as Ebola catching an opportune plane ride!

Personally, I am married and ours is a comfortable relationship blessed with an awesome toddler.  We are not really trying to conceive, but would be overjoyed seeing a stick cough up another “plus” sign.

But I remember my high school health class, the very first delving — YES, it’s a very intentional pun — into human reproductive systems.  Every set of parents in my homeroom signed an affidavit permitting their sophomores to audit…horrors!…a subject matter that was not so much a popularization of sex (which, let’s face it, most 15-year olds have, at least, an idea about — if not yet one, put to practical use) as consequences of prematurely attempting to contribute to the global gene pool.  Every set of parents, that is, but one, and it is thanks to them  that a perfectly boring — and rather disgusting — class enjoyed a cachet of something sweet and illicit.

Because I, also, remember a petite all-American Honor Roll student who had had her desk moved all the way out into the hallway with the classroom door all but glued shut lest she be exposed to the intricacies of pulling an electric-blue condom onto a banana that towards the fifth period on a balmy April afternoon in a state sometimes called a “Gate to the American South”, achieved a quality that in a human model might, rather subversively, have called for a little blue pill.

Furtively glancing through a glass one-way insert in a handsome blond wooden door, a never-been kissed virgin, I used to ask myself, was she even more of one for not learning about gonorrhea, fetal alcohol syndrome, an uneasy trail of a spunky spermatozoon hurrying toward its female counterpart.

I still can’t tell you.  And no, this won’t turn into a cautionary tale of a naive teenager catching AIDS through her very first exploration of sexual identity through bouts of unprotected sex.  As far as I know, after graduating in the upper 10% of her class, she’s gone on to pharm school on a partial scholarship, and no, there was no telltale bulge under the watered silk of her prom gown.

What it WILL turn into is a rant against the reactionary stand of the Catholic Church.  Though not at all germane to the current topic, from my own pulpit, I am going to say that with the multiple abuses perpetuated under its don’t-ask-don’t-tell-no-really-keep-your-mouths-shut policies, the today’s Holy See has rather lost its moral high ground — and one that, even retained, STILL wouldn’t have given it a leg to stand on while preaching (literally, in this case) on condoms not making a dent in skyrocketing infection rate in populaces as badly hit as those of most African nations.

With some members of its clergy involved in fine, commendable, often heroic work in the affected regions calling for the relaxation of Vatican’s draconian anti-contraception laws, on what possible scientific — or even, commonsensical — basis does its head continue to form policies liable to affect not thousands, but ultimately, millions of lives?

“You can’t resolve it with the distribution of condoms,” the Pope Benedict XVI told reporters aboard the Alitalia plane headed to Yaounde, Cameroon, where he will begin a seven-day pilgrimage on the continent. “On the contrary, it increases the problem.”

Does it, really?  Certainly, abstinence would do a far better job, but how realistic is it to expect no sexual intercourse outside of marriage, especially as we are evolutionary geared to quite the contrary behavior.  It has long been proven that extreme species-wide stress can lead to increased birth rates to make up for the high mortality rates of the offspring and the low median age.  In less scientific terms, the population is attempting to insure its own survival by having more kids to offset those, perishing due to unfavorable living conditions.

That being said, how does withholding the only means of preventing both conception AND the spread of disease in any way takes care of what is widely seen as an escalating problem?  In fact, how does granting free access to these means exacerbate the occurrence of AIDS?

Yes, my classmate has done quite well having been shielded from the dangers inherent in Sex Ed.  Whether she has done so through remaining “pure” until her “I do’s” to an equally untouched male partner or via finding a way of circumventing her parents precepts is hardly an issue.  She is only one person.  Even should the former be proven the case, there is another, equally individualized, one to offset it, that of Governor of Alaska’s teenage daughter, Bristol Palin.  In a recent interview, she paints a picture of abstinence as a failed method of solving the teen pregnancy epidemic.  Just as easily, her account may be applied to the spread of AIDS.

Obviously, the fundamentalist stand of the church is based on what it sees as the violation of the basic rights of its unborn, in fact, not yet conceived flock.  But isn’t it time to start thinking of the rights of those already here — and denied the courtesy of making a guilt-free decision that might well save their lives?

Already the welfare of the Holy See as an entity in its own right has been placed over that of the kids violated and made to keep their peace to protect the offenders.  If any trust in the Catholic Church is to be renewed, it needs to look to its heretofore inviolate doctrines and adapt them to truly benefit those, looking to it for salvation.

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Yesterday, I had a chat with one of the funniest and well-known comedians in today’s diverse entertainment arena.  Her name is Lauren Palmigiano and she gets to work on a bus — one she’s a sole occupant of.  Don’t believe me?

What?  Of course, it’s a joke!  Tough crowd, people!  Betcha, Lauren wouldn’t have gotten the same response — and this, her very own joke, let me tell you.  My delivery’s off, isn’t?

At least, considering how easily it — and the rest  — slipped from her tongue (not to mention such viral hits as Lady Cops, Perry Hilton DUI, and The Spelling Bee), Lauren herself isn’t in any danger when browsing her highly rated site, FunnyOrDie — currently partnering with the venerable Jim Beam in its promotional contest, “The Remake”, aimed at helping a few lucky “Average Jims” laugh their way to a chance at $25K and an all-expenses paid trip for 4 to Las Vegas.  Feeling lucky?

If so, you’ve got time — until March 21st!  Once all entries spoofing one of 3 videos listed on Jim Beam’s website are in, the celebrity judge Lauren Palmigiano and cohort Max Silvestri, he of the NYC’s award-winning variety show Big Terrific, will make their decision.

Still on the fence?  Perhaps, Lauren herself will help get you convinced Jim Beam bourbon might pack a heck of a bite, but its corporate office or the funnymen — and woman — it got to judge the contest, are just looking for a few good jokes.

In answer to my very first question about the reason for her involvement with Beam, a perky, down-to-earth lead writer and producer for FunnyOrDie had this to say:

“Well, Jim’s a funny company.  Doesn’t take itself too seriously, which, I suppose, lends itself well to this contest.”

Considering it’s all about spoofing its own ads, “The Girlfriend”, “The Tragedy”, and “The Party”, with 30-90 second amateur video clips exclusive to its site, yes, I can see that take itself seriously it does not.

Not to say that contestants are treating “The Remake” as a joke.

“Oh, we have got a few hundred” [entries], she said, adding she wouldn’t initiate the judging process until after the deadline.  Fair’s fair.

At which point, because I couldn’t imagine a FunnyOrDie interview without Will Ferrell and Judd Apatow somehow worming their way into a conversation, well, I helped them along.

Turns out, as the site’s creators and sponsors, they are very hands-on.  One of them has offices right across the street from Funny’s 15-strong creative LA campus, and just last week, Lauren and Mr. Ferrell released a new “Bedside” video to what I am sure will be acclaim equal to “Landlord”‘s, a keystone video of FunnyOrDie.  Makes sense, Lauren having been a part of his production team before taking reins of the site.

Which, apparently, proved a sound business decision of Mr. Ferrell’s.  There are now multiple campuses across the US and a few satellite offices without.  In the site’s irreverent tone, FunnyOrDie’s “About Us” page warns of its elite private security force consisting of four hundred soldiers and six attack helicopters, and Lauren herself alleges she would lose face if she took anything to work short of a private bus — while a coworker opts for a tank.

“We have an interesting parking lot.  You should stop by.”

I promised, the moment I hit LA, I mean to.

Being I am not even in the market for airline tickets just yet, I know, by then, the “Remake’”s winner will have been announced, his entry featured on the Jim Beam site, perhaps even gone viral — and if Lauren agrees to another, face-to-face interview, I will get to hear just what it was which made THAT particular video stand out.

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Two days ago, I had a chance to speak to an amazing person. Brandon Bond, world-renowned tattoo artist, savvy businessman — and someone who has dedicated his not inconsiderable celebrity to rescuing those, whom our society has deemed unfit to so much as exist.

I am talking about pit bulls. And to a lesser extent, Michael Vick.

You see, Brandon believes in second chances. Having given one to me after royally screwing our initial interview, you can see why I am inclined to believe that.

Explaining his philosophy, he spoke of his own less than savory youth, and of his wife’s, who is now a recovering addict, clean for the past 10 years. Brandon himself is CEO of 4 thriving businesses, an author of five books and 6 full-length DVDs. If anyone knows how to turn his life around and make the very best of himself, it is this man. And now he wants to give back to the world.

How is he realizing his humanitarian ambitions? By rescuing pit bulls. He has rehabilitated and adopted out over 300 of them. Not only that, but he, himself, has 6 of these loyal, unfairly branded dogs. One of them is formerly Michael Vick’s.

He remembers when the news came about Vick’s dogfighting camp having been raided by police – there had been 47 dogs there.

They were lucky that the criminal charges had been leveled against someone so high profile as this NFL great. If it wasn’t for that, chances are, these dogs, just as in many similar cases, would have been put to sleep once they ceased being useful as evidence. The counties, in which the arrests happen, usually lack the resources to rehabilitate the very victims the authorities claim to protect. And so, they are euthanized.

Not so, the “miracle dogs”, as Brandon calls them. He managed to use the outcry to get in and get these dogs out. Of the 47 rescued, only one had to be put to sleep, and that only due to a terminal cancer. Another died in car accident — the new movie, Vicktory to the Underdog, which Brandon is premiering in Vegas’s Palms casino on March 14th, actually devotes a segment to it. The remaining 45 are fine. They, unlike many such dogs, have gotten their second chance.

Brandon hopes that Vicktory to the Underdog, while appealing to a segment of our population that might not be moved by PETA and Animal Planet appeals, will, also, generate enough funds to offer the same precious chance to many more dogs – dogs that might not belong to a high profile celebrity – via the work of a pioneering organization, Villalobos Rescue Center, focused on rehabilitating both criminals and dogs by helping them to readjust into more nurturing roles.

Nurturing — and natural, at least, for the dogs. Case in point? Petey, the Little Rascals dog, was a pit bull — and there had been no reports of any violence on set. Brandon told me that pit bulls, who while strong, are not, in fact, born with violent temperaments or dangerous lockjaws, were actually referred to as nanny dogs. Moreover, the first Congressional Medal of Honor bestowed upon a dog during World War II went to a pit bull.

So, where does it leave the human element of the rehabilitating bunch? Getting back to second chances, Brandon believes in offering them to everyone — even those, such as Michael Vick, whom animal rights activists should be naturally wired to despise.

Michael Vick has lost everything. He is in jail, possibly contemplating what a slim chance he has to make it back into the NFL big leagues. Well, if you listen to Brandon, perhaps, he should be given that chance — if only he could spread a new message — one that would go out to the kids still idolizing him, still keeping his bobblehead dolls by their beds. Whether he truly believes it or just follows his attorney’s advice isn’t of great importance to Brandon. The need to raise awareness of the issues surrounding pit bull breeding, traits, and dogfighting is what prompted him to get in touch with Vick’s attorneys regarding the football player becoming a part of Brandon’s campaign.

According to Brandon, though, the lawyers are playing it safe. They want to first preview the movie — and then, they will let him know to what extent their client might want to become involved. So, one of a thousand tax-deductible limited edition DVDs will begin making its way to Mr. Vick’s legal representation — and who knows, perhaps, their client will pick Villalobos as his community service site. At least, Brandon knows he has extended the invitation. What Mr. Vick plans to do with his second chance is up to him.

And Brandon, he will continue his work. There are already plans for a subsequent movie that would expand on the happenings in the city of Denver and its recently passed breed-specific legislation touched upon in Vicktory to the Underdog. There, Brandon intends to showcase the true — and admittedly unconstitutional — scope of what such legislation mean to us, as responsible pet owners paying the price for the mistakes of the few.

Dogs torn away from crying kids, parents possibly thrown in jail for daring to stand up for a pet deemed to appear at least 51% pit bull, euthanized animals not being allowed to be buried within the city limits — these are just some of the topics Mr.Bond is intending to cover, not to mention the lack of tangible proof of such measures in any way reducing the incidence of dogfighting-related activity in such an over-legislated hell.

With breed-specific legislation on the rise in Kentucky, Georgia, and Florida, I, for one, am intending to make the time to watch Vicktory to the Underdog, and its sequel, too.

I am certain, I won’t be the only one. Considering the big names making it to Las Vegas for the Vicktory premiere / charity event — Tera Patrick, Micheal Berryman, perhaps, even Ice T, to name a few — I imagine the reception for his next release should be equally spectacular.

As for me, I can only wish him — and all the rescued dogs — the very heartfelt best!

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Are there rules to a successful engagement?  How about marriage?  What about a freewheeling bachelor life?

Conceivably.  Self-help gurus may know; not exactly a fan of theirs, I won’t speculate.  I am, however — of CBS’s eponymous “Rules of Engagement”, in part, perhaps, because it doesn’t take it upon itself to preach to me about anything.  A half-hour primetime sitcom, starting its third season March 2nd, it does just what a beast of its nature ought to, according to Patrick Warburton, one of its stars.  It entertains, and does a damn fine job!

A couple of days ago, I was lucky enough to score a one-on-one interview with Patrick, and tell you what, if I wasn’t his fan from his Seinfeld and Civilization of Maxwell Bright days, I am now.

The man dished about the perseverance of his show, his views on his character, Jeff, and the limitations of his creative control.  And, I think, he himself is totally enjoying the final product — which comes out loud and clear in both his performance and his promoting the dickens out of it.

Let’s just start from what we’re doing here.  Do you enjoy this sort of promotion?  Or would you rather meet your fans and the press face to face? Unless you would rather not do any promotion at all?

Oh, face to face.  I like meeting fans, and I am forever using hand gestures.  But, you know, I guess on the phone, that works, too.

Did you have to think for a while before you accepted the role?  Can you empathize, having been married yourself for the past 18 years?

Well, I did, yes.  When I first read it.  Because, you know, it would be like, why would I want to be playing myself?  I was lucky to play The Tick, and that’s…completely different.  A lot of acting, getting in character.  But here, you know, I am playing someone married for the last 14years.  But I sat down with the producers, and I see they have a great team in place.  So, we gave it a try.  And it’s good, there’re definitely things working.  It’s gotten funnier, now, too, so, it’s moving in the right direction creatively, I think.

Speaking of creative direction, can you tell me if there are any plans to keep the show past Season 3?

Sure, we already sat down with CBS folks.  Wasn’t an easy run, you know.  1st season, we only put in 7 episodes.  Came in as the mid-season replacement.  In the 2nd season, the writer’s strike.  Messed things up, but what can you do?  Now, this year, we’re also coming in mid-season.  But we think, Season 4 is going to be the first full one.  So, yes, we’re going along.  Definitely very positive here.

Are things going to be happening with the show?  What can we expect?

Our engaged couple’s set a wedding date.  So, there would be things, you know, stemming from that.  It’s definitely sharp, funny.  And you know, we aren’t a drama show, not a soap.  It’s a half-hour sitcom, things don’t really have to change.  You don’t much change characters that are working, you just use them creatively, put them in engaging dialogs.  People like to get to know whom they are watching, relate to them.  And, of course, you know, with the married couple, and the young couple, and David’s [Spade] character, who is a bachelor, everyone can find somebody they can empathize with.  It’s like with Seinfeld.  It’s entertainment.  People liked coming week to week to characters they got to know.  They might not be all that nice, but they were familiar, and likable, and that’s what made it work.

Do you get to have creative input?

Sure, there’s some ad-libbing, everyone does that.  And I always say, if I think something’s not working.  Something doesn’t ring true, we can scrape it.  But once it’s finalized, the writers finished their work, that’s it, everyone’s in sync.  Too many cooks stirring the pot, we don’t have that, there’s creative unity, so we can put the best episode out we can.

Is there a direction you think the show could go in with your character, but it choosing not to?

Not really.  We’re all trying things, thinking about things.  No need in stretching the boundaries.  We have ways to go with every character yet.

What is your dream role?  What about a favorite one?  Do you like the familiarity of working for a long-running project?

Well, favorite, so far – Maxwell Bright.  That was ranging out the furthest from, basically, the comfort zone.  That’s a challenge.  It’s good to have a challenge.  I don’t have that [often] in TV, I haven’t had a single lead in an hour-drama, not one.  I haven’t even been asked.  Come on, Lisa, I am sure you have a script you would like [produced]… that wasn’t understood?  Once you get put in a box.  But that’s OK.  Did you know, Hoffman played a tomato?  Everyone’s gotta play their own tomato.  And you know, my movies, Woman Chaser, Dish, Maxwell, I don’t know if you’ve seen them, they were all critically acclaimed in different ways.  That was good.  Good scripts, interesting takes.  I like challenging myself.  I am always looking for something new.

Something new?  You should check out Lombardi Street, the new show I am working on.  Their working policy is to give everyone a chance, and the start of your talents would be a shoo-in.  Yes, yes, I’m pimping.

[Laughs] Maybe, I will.

And I guess it wouldn’t be a Patrick Warburton interview if I didn’t ask about Puddy.  I wasn’t going to bring him up, but we did talk Seinfeld.  Do you still enjoy the Puddy fame?  I understand during an advertisement for Rules of Engagement in 2007 during an NFL football broadcast, people started yelling out your Seinfeld character’s name.

Yes, funny how it happened.  I only did nine episodes as Elaine’s boyfriend.  But the character, he’s iconic.  And, definitely, the show.  My grandkids are gonna watch reruns when they are home sick from school.  I used to watch shows like that sick from school.

Andy Griffith and the like?

Yeah, like those.  Like I said, some shows endure.  Seinfeld’s like that.

——-

And that brings us to the end of my all-to0-short tete-a-tete.  There were more questions to ask, but I did learn the gist of the matter.  Patrick’s character might be an occasionally gruff overbearing guy, but the real Patrick, even happily married, shouldn’t complain, he still has to act.  He’s way more gracious than his on-screen persona.

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I am Lisa, this here blog’s writer, and I am a foodie.

There, I said it, and no, I am not feeling relieved.  I love food. I cook, I like dining out, I like giving everything a fair chance (which, however, emphatically does not extend to vanilla or whatever-flavored oatmeal variants.  So, I’m a hypocrite.  At least, I’m not a closet one, that’s gotta count for something).

To make the intro complete, I eat healthy, exercise (eh, do my best, let’s put it that way) — and I’m a female, 5’9″, 190lbs, wear anything between medium and extra large, and know what, I’m no Angelina Jolie (my brood, for instance, is limited to one 13-months old bandit), but damn, I think I’m fine.

Which I suppose may be exactly the problem.

On one hand, psychiatry preaches mental health lies in sticking to how one sees oneself, and damn the rest of the populace, what do they know?  On another hand, it is, by now, a truism that only the mad have the sheer audacity to espouse their own unassailable sanity.

That said, let’s segue back to the food. Rather, to the dread eating disorders, or EDs, the bane of parents everywhere. They are a dime a dozen these days, and if there’s ever a time when languishing in the supermarket checkout lane, I don’t see a photo spread of a celebrity suffering from, recovering from, vehemently denying – or, in fact, outright accused of not indulging in, ha, it’s a shopping trip wasted.

How are we to see ourselves when it really comes down to…er, seeing ourselves? Really looking at ourselves in the mirror – and in the eye, and honestly assessing if we are who we need to be, where we need to be, and not just weight wise.  That is, after all, what ED treatments are all about.

Eating disorders are likened to abusive relationships. They play havoc with your mind and health – but they, also, make life easier, in the short term. There’s no need to go out and find friends, you’re either feeling too bad, or you’re preoccupied (feeding an eating disorder, pardon the pun, does take a lot of of you), or, from experience, you just know they wouldn’t understand when you could do with some exercise, or purging, or binge eating. There’s no need to ask yourself what you’re going to have when waiters are assaulting you with leather-bound menus. The answer’s obvious, if you had your way – nothing, nada (possibly, ice water, though it does make you swell up, so, on the second hand, just ice cubes, thank you, such a hot day out). There’s no need to wonder what to do with a bonus paycheck. Why, upgrade your membership at a local gym, buy another box of laxatives, maybe, another tape measure (for the glove compartment – emergencies happen). Depending on income, you may even afford a new elliptical machine for that cozy little nook right underneath a basement window – behind the treadmill, bike, trampoline, a gymnastic ball, and a souped-up hula-hoop with metal bumps on the inner edge to bruise your abdomen into contracting.

Simple, isn’t it – letting go of everything, shedding, at least, some responsibility for your mistakes, for your less than ideal self-image – yet enforcing your own will, too, putting your enslaved foot down. “ It’s my party, I’ll DIE if I want, DIE if I want to…”, there’s a little something there, you gotta admit.

And speaking of which – partying, I mean – let me introduce you to the relative block newcomers. A more prominent of the three – drinkorexia – a folklore kind of term that is taking a Webster-dictionary wielding crowd by storm, riding the coattails of such questionable icons as Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Amy Winehouse. Particularly prominent among women aged between 18 and 25, with whom partying hard and staying skinny at all cost are often raisons d’etre, thus far, it hasn’t been designated an official medical term and like with any ED, those practicing it never admit to a shred of wrongdoing.

Mind, some of the metabolisms in question might be really THAT good (which, from early Lohan roles just ain’t altogether likely), but every single one is wearing size 0. They had better. Should anyone THINK of graduating to an unwieldy size 2, oh, that’s it, the hunt’s on, the press’s a-baying.

So, how does the rest keep themselves to where if photographed from the side, they run the risk of fading out completely – considering, they do publicly drink, and booze does come with calories, though not of a very beneficial kind? Well, I’ll just leave that to your all’s puerile imaginations. They won’t disappoint. Promise?

Oh, OK, I’ll slip a mickey…er, I meant, a little tidbit. Alcohol -> empty stomach -> severe stomach ulceration -> evacuation from either end -> liver on the fast train up the shitcreek. Enough inspiration?

Another new kid on the pro-Ana websites (it’s a lifestyle, not a disorder, MY AUNT FANNY) is the beast recently christened orthorexia by an actual MD and referring to an out of control fixation on healthy eating. In this one instance of ED, it strikes boys almost as often as girls and in the stronger sex, is commonly associated with BDD, body dysmorphic disorder, where a victim focuses on the entire body or even a part as something they, delusionally or not, consider detrimental to his or her appearance. In an interview with Dr. Phil McGraw, one mother described how her son would altogether refuse food if at breakfast, she accidentally allowed a droplet of yolk to so much as color her son’s egg whites.

Finally, it wouldn’t be the Century of the Fruitbat…er, 21st, sorry, if there wasn’t some weight manipulation (read: enforced loss) done entirely via self-medication.  Specifically, on not using enough medication.  More specifically, yet, insulin.  Enter diabulimia, a tool of choice for teen girls in treatment for type 1 diabetes.  Mostly, it is the same self-administered cycle of abuse in play, but now it masquerades as flipping the bird to their diabetes.  The isolating, inconvenient, often debilitating disease ceases being their cross.  For the diabulemic, it is seen to be overpowered, remade into a weapon, the one he or she wields, and if the stakes are even greater than with a less easily concealable ED, well, the payoff is, also, much higher.

Plus, of course, bigorexia, pica, Prader-Willi Syndrome. Those, and the perpetual crowd pleasers, the flagships of the ED fleet, bulimia and anorexia nervosa.

These days, they are everywhere, as commonplace as compressed lungs and broken ribs enlivening the stately crinoline era. Then, there was that pressure to conform; perforated stomachs, miscarriages, internal bleeds notwithstanding, corsets ruled – and people died. But, at least, they did so looking perfect.

Today, young people are dying, too, and the media is right there helping them on their merry way. After all, first it gets to criticize their weight, then act all properly horrified – and finally, for a good long time (on those slow news days), sympathize with the bereaved kin. Triple whammy!

So, me, I call on the bloggers, and news editors, and fashion mavens, and Hollywood directors du jour – and most of all, on you, you healthy 5’-something 150+ lbs fatsos (or 6′ slender magnificent reeds, but naturally so, and more power to ya!), let’s just see what we can do to completely eradicate the very need for the pro-Ana sites on our world wide web!

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